A Universe Filled With Adoration and Anxiety
by Chastity Gold
Summary: There's always been a strange kind of anger in me. I don't know where it comes from, or how to control it. It moves me, it takes over my senses, and it scares me to think it could push Dante away. (Takes place after the end of the book. WARNINGS: Mature content, BoyxBoy, jealousy, anger, and over all confusion. This isn't meant to be 'cute' it's more like angst. My Type of Story)
1. Chapter 1

**Authors Note: This is M for Mature, if you're under age please turn back now.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own "Aristotle and Dante Discover the secrets of the Universe," it belongs to Benjamin Alire Saenz. **

Closing the door felt different. We had been in my room plenty of times, but never like this. Never while our parents bowled twenty minutes away. Never _alone._

For some reason my breathing increased, as I shut it closed. I turned to Dante, thinking maybe he would felt weird about this, but he tossed off his shoes with the same hate as always and threw himself in my bed with so much ease, I realized I was the only one overthinking this.

But it really was something to over think.

We were alone.

In my room.

A room with shut windows and shut doors, and we have been "together" for a few weeks now, but never like this.

"What time do you think they'll be coming back?" He asked.

"I don't know, but it's still early."

"Do you want me to read to you?"

It got me angry, and I didn't know why, that he wanted to read. _Read? _Right now? Why did reading feel so vague? But I didn't tell him of course, I just nodded.

I threw my shoes off too, and layed back-flat on my bed stretching my arms out.

"Read to me."

And so he read, and I didn't listen to a word he said because the whole time I was looking at other things. The way his eyelashes clapped together. The shape of his cheeks. The movement of his throat. The way the light reflected off his teeth. Shit. I was paying attention to everything, except his reading, and I was also remembering moments with him. For some reason the letter he wrote me asking about masturbation came to my mind, and it really didn't bother me anymore at all. If anything, it just made me feel _strange._

I didn't know what I was feeling, all I knew is that I wasn't going to bear it anymore. Why did I have too? He wanted it to too, right? So what was wrong with it? Why was I holding all of this inside? It didn't make sense.

"Dante?"

"Yes?"

"Can I kiss you?"

He place the book down, and smiled, before saying, "sure."

And I was on him before he could retract himself, before he could change his mind.

I kissed him, and it was fascinating. I had gotten used to kissing him by then. We've kissed there, we've kissed at his house, we've kissed hiding behind our parents backs, but never like this. We were never alone, there was always a barrier. But right then, there was no barrier, it was just him and me, and the universe, and I wanted more. More of him, more on me, I needed him. I had never known how much I needed him.

I wanted to touch him, and keep touching him, and go far with him, far into the unknown. I wanted to touch him, and wanted- _needed- _him to touch me, _and only me. _

"Dante, I love you."

"Ari," he smiled. "I love you more than you could ever imagine. More than what I could ever express in words." And his words hurt in a sweet kind of way.

I allowed myself to get lost in him. We were alone after all. I grabbed him by the waist and pulled him to me, and continued to kiss, and kiss, and kiss him.

And fuck, he was beautiful, and amazing, and everything I needed.

I slipped my hands under his shit. I don't know how or when, but I did. He pulled back a little, but I was so incoherent I didn't even noticed he had. I pulled his shirt up.

"Ari," he said softly, but more as a question.

"Let me."

And he did, and I took it off, and I stared at him and what I felt inside couldn't be explained. He was nervous, I could tell, and I was hungry, hungry for him.

I wrapped him in my arms and kissed his neck.

"Ari," again the same voice.

I kissed, and sucked, and wished I could squeeze him inside of me so he couldn't have a chance to escape, "What?" I asked.

"I don't know."

I touched him, and there was fire. His body was fire in my hands. Or maybe I was on fire, I don't know. That's when I lost all reason. And I kissed him, and I touched him, and I let myself feel him in a way I had never felt him before, and I liked it. Shit. I liked it a lot. And I knew I was screwed because I was in love with such a beautiful thing.

Somehow I layed him down, and in the process got on top of him, my body between his legs, and this was the strangest form of drug, because I couldn't get enough. I traveled his chest, nail beds digging to his skin, warm breath to his ear, and teeth and lips and flesh to his flesh, and it still wasn't enough.

I kissed his neck and the bones around his chest, and lower, and the top of his abdomen and lower, and the more I touched the more I wanted to keep going, and I was dizzy, and crazed, but I was so very happy that I couldn't stand it. And every once in a while he made this strange noise, a little whimper mixed with something I couldn't recognize back then, but it made me feel all the more ecstatic.

I had him. _I owned him. _He was mine. _All mine. _

"Ari, I don't know if I... I don't know if I'm ready."

And the statement sounded odd, why would he say something like that. "Ready for what?" I asked, curious.

And just at that, mother opened the door, saw us- Dante without a shirt, me on top of him- closed her eyes, made an "ay" sound combined with a gasp, and closed the door again.

It was then that I kind of regained my consciousness, and I understood what Dante meat by "I'm not ready," and couldn't believed I hand't looked the door.

Oh shit, I thought, Oh shit.

There was a knock, and a second later mom came back in. I had gotten off of Dante by then, and he was hurrying to put his shit back on, and we were both trying hard to hide our flushed faces and regain our regular breathing patters which had been lost somewhere down the road.

"Dante I need you to go home right now. I need to talk to my son."

"Yes, Mrs. Mendoza."

It angered me. Not that she saw us, but that she talked to Dante that way. He had done nothing wrong, if anything, he was the victim here. I kept pushing him further and further.

"I'll walk you out."

And I did, and in front of my mom I hugged him good bye, because for some reason I wasn't ashamed of anything. I was more frustrated that they hadn't played longer, that they had come back so early.

When the door shut, I turned to her, and she was angry.

"What were you thinking?"

"About what?" I asked casually.

"What do you mean about what? Ari, this isn't right, you're much to young."

"I'm actually not that young, mom."

"You're seventeen! And I walk in and you're-" she stopped herself. "Doing what you're doing."

"I am not going to have this talk with you."

"Ari! I mean it! Don't do it again. From now on there will be rules. I don't want him here if there isn't an adult." I walked back towards my room, I didn't want to hear it, "And I don't want you at his house if his parent aren't there, either."

"Just leave me alone, mom."

"Jaime! Talk to your son!" Dad until then had been hiding in the shadows.

"Ari, come here. Sit down with me."

"Do I get a beer for this talk too?"

Even though I was being sarcastic and they knew it, he pulled two beers from the refrigerator, and pored wine for mom.

"Ari, I know you love this boy, and I understand you are in that age where you want to explore things-"

"Dad, please stop, that just sounds gross." Because it was coming from him, it really was gross.

"But there are _things_ Ari, you can't just dive in it. First, there is protection."

"Dad! Please," I begged. I would have rather slammed my head against the table and end up back at the hospital that to be listening to that conversation. It was too embarrassing.

"I'm not saying you should be having sex, but if you are, please tell me you are using condoms."

For some reason I didn't understand until now, I replied, "We don't need them, we've only been with each other."

"But has _he_ been only with you?" It was his immediate response, and the horror I felt must have shown in my face because he immediately tried to re-state it. "What I mean is-"

"What are you saying?" I got up from the table.

"Ari."

I threw my beer against the wall.

"Ari!"

And without thinking, without a word, walked out and straight for his house.

They followed after me, but half a block down, decided to run back to the house and get the car, and that's when I sprinted for him, and I knocked hard, and opened the door and walked in without being invited.

He was away, where I couldn't see him.

He was at parties.

He kissed girls.

He'd kissed _Daniel._

They were alone in an alley and then alone at his house.

How far did he go?

I couldn't-

I couldn't bare to think about it.

I stormed into his room, where he sat drawing a sketch.

"Where you ever with someone else, tell me the truth?"

"What are you talking about?"

I walked to him, thinking about it now I must have really scared him, and pulled him to his feet by his shoulders, dropping his sketch book to the ground. "Just answer me! What were you doing alone, at night, in an alley anyway?"

"What? What kind of question-"

And I felt arms around my arms, and I heard voices, but I didn't care, my life was set on his. My eyes were fogged and I couldn't clear them, my checks were damped with water and salt, and I couldn't get images of Dante at parties out of my head, of Dante kissing girls, of Daniel touching him at night in a dark alley.

"No! No! You better not... You better not because I'll-"

"Ari! That's enough!"

"I swear that I'll... I'll hurt you Dante."

The room fell silent for a moment after, because they knew I could. They knew what I was capable off.

They dragged me out of his room. The two of them, his dad and my dad, could barely hold me. I was furious.

"What's the matter with you?" Mr. Quintana asked, and I wanted to punch him too. For allowing Dante to be out at night, for allowing him near those girls. Those girls that touched him.

"I'm out of here."

"Oh no, you're not," it was my dad now.

"Let go dad, or things are about to get really ugly."

And Dante came out of his room, and he looked at me confused, and also scared.

And the thought that he was scared- that I had scared him- scared me, and I couldn't bare it. I pushed passed everyone I had to push to get out of that house, and I ran and I ran, and I ran away.

**TBC...**


	2. Shoes and Allergies

**I do not own, "Aristotle and Dante discover the secrets of the universe," it belongs to Benjamin Alire Saenz**

I followed him to school the next morning, It didn't even cross my mind that I was skipping, I just needed to talk to him after what had happened the day before. I needed to somehow explain I didn't mean to loose my tempter, that I understood that, that was wrong. I thought, _I just got jealous, I had that right now that we were together, didn't I? _Ok, that sounded completely stupid and a poor excuse for the asshole move I had pulled. I was sorry though, I had to make sure he understood just how sorry I was, so I hid like a stalker and came from behind him before he crossed the school gates.

"Dante."

He gasped when he turned, and jumped a little, "Ari! Why are you here? You're supposed to be in school."

"I know, I know, but just listen-"

I reached for him, but he stepped away, and the look on his face scared me. I needed to apologize.

"About yesterday," I lowered the hand that had tried to touch him, "I don't know what happened. I never wanted to scare you."

He looked at me with that "I'm-about-to-teach-you-a-lesson" look. Wait for it Ari, it's coming, "Mom said it could turn into an abusive relationship."

At first I'm sure my face made the strangest "What-the-fuck" look, then I laughed so loud I snorted. My chest was full of air, and I laughed and laughed and laughed to let it out. I slammed my hands on my thighs, like I'd done only very few times in my life, to push out some of the laughing-dance that was in me. "Dante stop." Still laughing, but forcing myself to calm down. Back then, that was the most ridiculous thing I'd ever heard. I thought, _me? Abusing Dante? Unbelievable._ If there was anyone there that had abused anyone, it wasn't me. Who's the one that changed me? The one that didn't get out of my head even if I tried (though I had stopped trying so long ago.) Who's the one that had me thinking dirty things and wanting to kiss boys instead of girls? If there was anyone abusing anyone in that moment, it sure wasn't me. "You're acting like if I _beat_ you or something."

His face didn't change, he was still giving me that look. His eyes had a sharp shape to them, but even like that all I could think about was pulling him towards me. "Maybe you didn't, but you did wiggle me around a little."

"Can we go talk somewhere else?"

His eyes turned sideways towards the ground, as if hiding something, "I have school."

"Just for a little," I took a step closer, mentally flipped the coin to see if I got lucky and he accepted me, and he did. Well, at least he didn't flinch away. "Just for a little," I asked again in a voice too soft to be mine, too gentle, a voice that surprised me the most.

He looked up then, his voice too soft as well, "Where?" I'd never noticed how much I liked his voice until then.

"There's no one at my house." I offered, throwing it out there, fishing to see if he'd take it. Maybe we could settle everything that's been happening, and once alone maybe we could finish-

"We are not supposed to be there alone, Ari."

"I don't care."

"But I do." He turned to leave.

It was so wrong, it shouldn't be like that. I didn't like that.

"Wait," I held him back by the arm, making sure to be gentle. _Gently, gently... Don't scare him off._ "We can just walk or something."

"I don't know, Ari."

"Please... Please, just let me talk to you. If you're still mad afterwards, then at least I know I did everything I could. Just ten minutes, if you're still mad, you can leave and I won't chase you." It took a while for me to say the words that finally convinced him, "I promise... please."

**Part 2**

"So basically, you are saying you hate everything that touches me?"

"Everything that touches you, looks at you, even thinks of you. Yes." I replied, and I wanted to say so much more, but I was trying to win him over, not scare him off.

He smiled, "Ari, you're in love with me."

"I know."

"Wow. This is deep."

"I'm sorry, I didn't know I was only supposed to fall for you half way."

"That's not what I meant, it's just that I never thought this could actually happen."

"What do you mean?" We were walking to who-cared-where. We were together, he was smiling, that's all that mattered.

"Well, I'm sure that by now you've figured out that ever since I meet you, I've always liked you."

It felt good to hear him say that, to know that now we aren't kids, that now we're older, and taller, and stronger, and with our feelings in the open, no barrier between us. I pressed my hand to his waist and pulled him to me, my fingers directing his chin towards my mouth.

"Ari, please," he pulled away. "we're in public."

"Does it matter?" His glance was defensive, "Does it matter that much to you?" I asked.

"_You_ matter to me. I don't want them to do to you... The things they've done to me."

"Nothing like that is going to happen again."

"How are you so sure?"

"Because I'll hurt them first."

**Part 3**

We ended up in some tunnels a few blocks away from his school. They were filled with graffiti and beer cans and obscene drawings, but Dante was there too, and that's all that mattered. "So, do you forgive me for exploding and acting like a total douche?"

"You really like that kind of language don't you?" He said it like a reproach, but he was smiling, which made me smile.

"I like _you_."

"You like me?" He asked.

"I love you." I replied.

"You love me?"

"I adore you."

There was a small silence then, until he finally repeated, "You adore me," but it was a statement not a question.

I tugged at the hem of his shirt -two little tugs- and looked up at him. Then slipped my hand under his shirt and kissed him. Finally. _Finally. _Long. Soft. Gentle. I brought both of my hands around his waist and kissed him deeper, deep enough to make up for all that time without him. My body was drawn to him, I wanted to be that close to him always, my insides desired him. I've always love him so much. I clashed my teeth with his teeth, and it might have hurt him but I didn't stop. I couldn't stop then. He was there, and letting me touch him, and we weren't young anymore. We could touch each other, and tell each other things, and there shouldn't be any problem with doing it.

I guided him to the tunnel's wall and pressed him there, _now he couldn't escape me. _The wall was cold but we were not. We were swimming pools, and poetry, and birds that didn't fly. He was everything I wasn't, and I was his darker half. We must have been split from the core at some point, because I was sure that we belonged together, there was no other way of explaining it.

I dragged my mouth across his jaw, dragged because I didn't want to separate from him not even for a second. He made a noise then that I wanted to hear again, so I kissed him in the same spot, and it worked. I guess I was exploring his body. I kissed his neck from the chin to the bottom of his ear, kissed and licked, and almost chewed off. I was hungry for him. I wanted to _feel _more. What I was getting wasn't enough. I pressed myself against him, and his eyes flung open.

"What?" I asked, though I knew the answer. My immature body knew at least this much: _rubbing feels good. _So I rubbed against him.

I thrusted once_, _"Ari, stop. We're in public." He looked around the tunnels, paranoid to be seen.

I thrusted twice,"Don't do that!"

He pushed me away, but I held his hands, drew his ear to my mouth, and whispered, (I was getting really good at whispering back then) "We're not doing anything wrong, we're just playing, you see?" I rubbed against him again, slowly. _Steady, steady... Don't scare him off. _"You see? I just want to feel you."

He couldn't look me in the eyes, but he stopped trying to get away. He stood still as I rubbed my dick against his. He was slouched against the wall, which made me hover over him, and I stared. I stared at him every single second. He turned from light, to pale, to red. He closed his eyes, his fingers clenched my upper arms, and still I stared.

"What are you feeling?" I asked him, I wanted to know.

"I feel... Very hot." He looked at me, and I kissed him. I pushed my tongue deep inside wishing it was something else I was pushing into him. He wrapped his hands around my neck and kissed me too, and soon we were both bumping into each other, making weird noises and smelling like each other's saliva.

And this was my chance so I took it, I reached for him, not to grab, just placed my hand on top of the place he'd never let me touch. "Ari-"

"Let me rub it," I begged, using the same soft voice.

"Ari, no-" but I was unbuttoning the button of his jeans and he wasn't stopping me, so I waisted no time. I did it fast before he would change his mind, and when I realized it, I had his dick in my hand and was jacking him off. I froze for a second, I couldn't belive it. He was in my hand, and I was playing with him, but his moaning returned me to the present. Little soft sounds that transformed to the reason for my existence. I had finally found something to live for, to look forward to, to cling to, and his name was Dante.

I unzipped my own pants, and placed his hand against me. "You do it to me, too."

He looked scared first, and I had to guide his hand up and down, but he soon started moving at his own speed and I knew I had him. I leaned against him, wanting to crush him against the wall, wanting to somehow get inside of him, and I kissed him until our lips were red.

"Do you like it?"

"Yes," he responded. "I like it a lot."

I rested my head on his shoulder, closing my eyes, savoring the moment. But I realized that I didn't want to miss his face, so I looked up again. He was looking at me, and he was red, and panting, and just so fucking sexy. And his hand was around me, and my hand was around him, and Dante and Ari, that's how it was supposed to be.

"Ari, if you keep that up, I'm going to cum," he spoke softly, embarrassed.

"Go ahead. I want you too."

"But how? I don't know how."

He was really nervous. "Just relax, and do it."

He closed his eyes, and I moved faster on him, stroking him, heating us up, and so did he. We were in plain daylight, in a tunnel full of dirt. We were "know-nothings," and it was magic and shoes, and allergies, and all I could think about was the glory that was him, and the idea that he was mine.

I came first, and seconds later so did he. And we just stood there, breathing heavily, trying to blink the dizziness away, because we didn't know what to do next.

He stared at his hand, and asked where to clean it. Not to me in particular, just to whoever heard him, I guess. I looked down at my own hand, his cum was all over me. It was the perfect ending to the perfect moment.

I licked it, he stared.

And I licked and licked, the top of my hand, and my fingers, and my palm, until I was clean, and he was inside of me.

His eyes widened as he looked down at his hand again, "You don't have to do it just because I did it."

"It's ok." He replied, "I want to." He repeated what I did, and I stared with fascination.

When he was done he smiled at me, and I moved in to kiss him one more time. I touched his face and his shoulders, and his back, and his waist. His perfection.

"I should go to school now."

"Yeah, I understand," I didn't want him to, but in that moment he could have told me to sit down and be quiet like a good boy, and I would have listened.

"So should you."

I smiled.

I walked him back, and we said we'd meet in the afternoon to walk legs. Then he went in through the gates and I saw him disappear into a corner.

I walked to school in the clouds. Throughout the whole day there wasn't anything that could bring me down.

**TBC...**


End file.
